When it Rains ...

Some people say "Count your blessings". They say it so much and so often, that it has been immortalized into posters, greeting cards and Power Point slideshows. It's a saccharine, idiotic, Christian-Precious-Moments saying. Or maybe I feel about it so because I immediately associate it with an idiotic Precious Moments poster that was taped on the principal's office wall in my Catholic school.

Now, "count your miseries" is something you don't hear much at all. It sounds like an emo thing to say, it may indeed brush along the lines of something Tim Burton would make an animated movie about ... but I think it might also help put things in perspective.



- A few weeks ago a friend finally broke up with his long-time girlfriend, after long months of toiling and pushing towards a fruitful relationship. It failed, and he's now cycling between depression and mania.

- A week ago, Eze's grandfather died. It was sort-of-unexpected: he apparently hit his head, and his cranium filled with blood. He died of associated respiratory complications (as he had signed a form asking NOT to be put in a respirator).

- Things at the office are NOT looking up:
-- Work-wise, it's chaos. Deadlines are being forced upon the staff, and the best word to describe the general reaction is "mutiny".
-- The boss's ex-wife (and mom to one of my close friends)was found to have a brain tumor. It's suspected to be malignant (a grade 2 glioma, to be exact). My friend relocated to Texas to take care of her mom and keep her company, which is totally understandable and fair and right... but it has created a palpable "hole" in this office.

- My grandfather died last night. Bone cancer. Spent the last year or so wanting to die. Last night he got his wish. Most of us are thankful, since it means the end of his plight, but we're all joined in this bitter grief. His relief is ours to a certain extent, but we will still miss him. Besides, what really breaks my heart is the fact that I never got to see him again after 1995, and my father didn't get to say "Goodbye".

- Yesterday I had a bilateral breast MRI done. The doctor found a tumor, something of a change since last time I was checked (2 years ago). I'm petrified by fear (I'm a high risk patient for breast cancer).

- Two of our closest friends are going through more or less the same fucked up romantic situation. Girl leads on. Guy falls hard. Girl turns out to be dating someone else. It's harsh, and having it happen in stereo is baffling.

- I went swimming: 50 meters. Nothing huge, just to check on my condition to see if I can use the Natatorium facilities. I pass, but barely: my lungs almost give out of the effort, and I realize that 8 years of smoking have taken a BIG toll. I quit smoking. I'm trying really hard to stay "quit", but all other aforementioned miseries are making it hard to stick to my guns.

One blessing though: The urge to cry is far stronger than the urge to smoke. Isn't life grand!

In New York - Summer Heat Sucks

Damn it's hot in here! I'm getting constant headaches, and while I still ADORE this place, the headaches are sorta ruining it for me. I'm hoping my body will get used to it. The heat is dry and I'm thirsty all the time. Lots of family quarrels, of course, we're like a TON of people in the same house. The drama, the drama!

But we already re-visited Saigon Grill (a Vietnamese cuisine franchise) and realized the place is REALLY awesome. Nicely priced, GREAT food, all in all a very good experience. I visited the CO Bigelow apothecary at 6th Avenue, and while I did find the tinted mint lip gloss I wanted, the rest of the merchandise was cruelly expensive. But I found a beauty supply somewhere down the same street and was able to get some soap, shampoo, conditioner, and a beautiful blue Orly nail color.

We went to Time Square last night, and it was WAY more crowded than the last time we went. Still felt bombarded by the excess of lit advertising. Went into the Sephora store there, and was overwhelmed by the variety of items and the crowd in there.

I'll keep posting while I'm able. Today, we will be enjoying a family day in the house (my father-in -law's sister's house).

Ah ... and the Doctor Martens boots? Nice for walking... SHORT distances. I'm nursing blisters right now as we speak. :-) Yayyyy ...

Little Notes #8: Next Few Weeks and What it Means

#1, next Monday is going to be, in some measure, surreal. Going back to 1995, the expectations, the nervousness.


#2, next two weeks, on the other hand, are going to be more real than I would like to deal with. Most people will not understand my reasons for the decision I've made. Some will come as far as to be annoyed. I even expect the random colleague to come across and demand answers and explanations, and I'm afraid I won't have a generally satisfactory answer.




#3, Mother's Day is drawing near, as well as my sister's birthday, all of it during a moment in life in which money is going to be a precious commodity. I think the best I will be able to do will be to offer them homemade food. My sister has been clamoring for some cheesy potatoes (potatoes au gratin, if you wanna get more gourmand in the description), and my mom has asked in more than one occasion for my pasta carbonara. I think I will oblige (and will probably throw in some homemade dessert for good measure). It's the best I can do.

El Perfume

No sé cómo es que uno se olvida de los olores con el tiempo y sin embargo eventualmente el elemento más aleatorio lo resucita como si estuviese pasando de nuevo. Hace muchos años, cuando todavía mi papá era completamente infeliz y tenía dinero, él usaba perfumes como si fueran calzoncillos: no sólo los cambiaba con frecuencia, sino que los usaba el día entero, y al final ya apestaba.

Aparentemente, la fricción continua del shampoo de miel de abeja (fricción absolutamente necesaria, porque bañar a una cachorrita de 3 meses de edad y 15 libras de peso no es tarea fácil si ella así se lo propone), al cabo de un rato termina oliendo a Drakkar Noir ... o alguna otra de esas pestilencias que usaba mi papá. También es increíble cómo uno le puede tomar cariño a un olor que en cualquier otro caso terminaría provocando una migraña.

Al oler eso, la memoria viajó a una parte que hacía tiempo no visitaba. Era una época problemática, de consternación y confusión. Todos esos años en los que mi papá no fue feliz y en los que no sintió la necesidad de ocultarlo sirvieron para conocer un lado de él que prefiero no repetir. Era algo gris, opaco, oculto, oscuro. Los regaños provocaban más terror del que pueda tenerle uno a mi papá en estos días, y los momentos felices frecuentemente tenían la sensación de un chocolate hueco.

Mis hermanos y yo creo que nos acostumbramos a ese tormento interno de nuestro papá, creo que por eso nos rebelamos tan asquerosamente cuando al fin conoció a alguien que lo hizo sonreír desde adentro nuevamente. En ese momento, mi papá dejó de usar perfumes. Creo que finalmente ya no le hacía falta la máscara.

This was supposed to be different

I had this entry written out in my mind some 15 minutes ago, but now it's gone. I was in the passenger's seat of Eze's car fifteen minutes ago. I think I need a small electronic tablet, something to record my thoughts as they happen. If I let it go, I m ight never get it back again. Fickle fickle fickle inspiration.

It was all about how Eze and i see and do things differently in life. He's usually the keen observer, while I remember things more like a collage, or "like a trailer of glimpses and brief moments, spliced with images burned onto the wooden cortex of my mind." (see? that bit I did remeber! yay!) There was much more to say though,but it all seems moot point now. Another article/essay that never came to be. Bad too, because it's been a long while since I've written regularly.

It's the job, really. I like working for the company I work for, but the irregular hours and the stres over the learning process leave me with very little energy to sit down to write in the evenings. If you add the spent energy necessary to keep a clean house with a new puppy (with full run of the house during the daytime), you'll understand why I've been mostly absent from my writing hobby. Not so with my beading hobby, but that is only due to yesterday evening, which I spent at a friend's house. There was a beading demo from a representative for a company that sells Swarovski jewelry. I didn't buy anything (the kits were a bit on the pricey side for my standards) but I put together a couple of pieces, which inspired me to make a piece of my own today.


Caprica did something this morning that totally blew my mind, I've never seen a dog doing anything like it. She started pawing the water out of her bowl onto the floor, and after she had made a small pool of water at the kitchen's entrance, she started running around the dining table and back to the puddle... and as she got to the wet area she'd let herself slide. She apprently likes the waterworks more than she's let on before :D Totally nuts!

Until you came into my life (finally!)

I got a call last Friday night, 2 puppies found near a school, abandoned, motherless, hungry, and impossibly tiny. My friend knew I was looking to adopt soon, so she thought I might be interested, and I was, but more than that, I was skeptical. Abandoned street puppies tend to have more than a few diseases, without mentioning skin and stomach parasites. More trouble than I thought I was willing to bargain for.

So I set out for Caguas on a Saturday afternoon to see what the puppy was like (the little boy was taken right away, only the female was left). I was expecting the worst, and I had my mind almost totally set on limiting myself to help take the puppy somewhere where she'd be well taken care of.

I wish I could say that I fell in love as soon as I set my eyes on her, but that was not the case. The creature was too small, too young, she still smelled strongly of mother milk and that was not a good sign. I was convinced this puppy was going to need bottle feedings every few hours and a lot of attention: things I cannot give because I have a full time job. The skin on her tail was heavily scabbed, and her fur was dull and dirty. All in all, she wasn't in so much a bad state as I expected, but she was far from top shape.

I set out for Humacao right away: I had heard of this place called El Faro de los Animales, a no-kill care center for abandoned animals. I had never gone there before, so all I knew was that it was in Humacao, and the approximate area it could be found.

To sum it up: I spent 2 hours driving, and I never found the place, much less a single local soul that new what I was talking about. I stopped at a few gas stations and supermarkets on the way, no one knew anything. I'm not very surprised.

Thing is, during those two hours, the puppy was such a great sport! She slept all the time I spent driving, and it was only whenever I stopped that she opened her eyes and lifted her head (as if saying "Are we there yet?"). The one time in which, as I started to step out of the car to go into yet another gas station, she energetically expressed her impatience with a series of barks and whines (all the while keeping to her small box and looking at me like "Heyyy! What's with the delay?! I'm hungry!") ... well, that's when my heart got hooked. After that, I didn't look for the place so hard anymore and started devising a plan to be able to care for her (at least for a little while).

So I took her to my mom's for a pit stop, left her there so I could go buy a few bare necessities for her care (including tick & flea shampoo, a small comb, puppy formula, etc), but we left her with a tiny plate with some mashed moist dog food. When I gt back, I was suprised to see she had eaten it all up. No bottle feedings for this lady!

Meet Caprica. She's still in her baby phase, just learning how to move and walk. Stubbornly silent, except for the occasional bout of barks sparked by things we haven't figured out yet (she has only barked once at home, I guess she got excited over the soundtrack to Battlestar Galactica too!). Misses the paper half of the time, but I'm confident she will get better at it, she's still just a baby, no bladder control yet. Her first visit to the vet revealed she's got intestinal parasites (normal in most puppies) and sarcoptic mange (not so normal, contagious even to humans, and potentially fatal if not treated). She spends most of the days in our tiny bathroom, but we let her out while we're in the house. We will eventually move her to the kitchen and laundry, as soon as I am sure she won't fit under the fridge or behind the washing machine.

She loves playing as most puppies do, and it is sometimes intimidating to know that I am somewhat expected to substitute a bouncy, energetic peer as her playmate. But Eze has been a gigantic help, and it's not so overwhelming with him around. He's fallen into the daddy role so well and so fast, it is scary (in a charming way, of course!). And I found myself for the first time foregoing my own meals and necessities in favor of helping out a tiny helpless creature. Unexpected from myself... and I feel changed. I guess that's a pale version of what mothers go through when they give birth.

I'll stick to dogs, though. Caprica will be more than a handful in a few weeks. ^_^ I'm looking forward to that!
(... I finally got the puppy from my heart! I'm SO happy!)

In Absentia

Eze's been away for 4 days now. It's not much, but it feels like eternity. You know it feels like eternity when you start getting used to being by your own in the evenings and mornings. But you're not so used that you forget that there is someone who usually comforts you when you wake up in the middle of a stormy night, ridden with nightmares about shape-shifting trees that murder people. It's the void in the pillow next to you that hurts the most... but you've gone numb.

Nonetheless, I've kept myself mostly busy:

On Saturday I went shopping with my mother: one of the most productive shopping sessions I've had in my life (and I hate shopping). In the evening, I tended to the usual in Frecuencias Alternas.

On Sunday I received a visit by Alysha and Tattiana. We cooked ground meat for taquitos and I made a batch of polvorones. In the meanwhile we watched Andres López's Pelota de Letras (a Colombian comedian and his 3-hours-long stand-up routine, very funny, but exhausting!).

Monday and Tuesday have obviously been work-days, but I've managed to spend the evenings in something other than moping. I've already finished watching season 3 of Doctor Who (which was not as tragic as the ending of season 2, but just as enjoyable). I've also come across a few interesting contacts, namely Rasputina's manager (I contacted him regarding a rumored recital to be held here in Puerto Rico in November, and as he confirmed so kindly, I took the liberty of asking about the possibility of interviewing them over the phone for Frecuencias Alternas - he hasn't answered yet, but the exchange was interesting enough for me).


I also found out about a private animal shelter (No-Kill) in Humacao: El Faro de los Animales. They're a non-profit organization (with no funding by the government) that's dedicated to the care of homeless animals and the search of loving homes for them. They have a series of different programs to allow the public to participate and help as much as they can with this mission. I'm seriously considering spending at least 2 days a month in this place and help out with my time (every other saturday or some similar arrangement).

Oh ... yeah, and the reason for this last discovery: I'm looking for puppy. :-) I finally feel ready to adopt a little bundle of canine love. Let's see how soon it turns out to be.

A Hole in My Forehead

If I hear screams outside - and not your run-of-the-mill play-like scream, I'm talking about bloodcurdling, hair-rising screams - I'm the kind of person that will peek through the door's eye-piece or look out the window. Unless it's gunshots we're talking about, in which case I'll move to the innermost part of the apartment in a hurry (and it has happened more than once already). Same goes for numerous and insistent siren wails. Part of me does it because I want to be in the know (be it for the reason that it may: I like being a well-informed citizen ... or I'm just turning into an old, gossipy fart!). The "bigger" part of me does it because it gets a thrill - an adrenaline surge - out of other people's emergencies and crises. Same goes for when a hurricane is announced. The tornado-chaser in me wakes up and smiles a little bit.

Until now this part of me has had no bearing in my fortune. My curiosity has not gotten the best of me, not to the point in which any onlooker could be tempted to start talking about dead cats and such. But last night, in my dreams, it did.

I dreamt some regular Joe broke into my apartment with me in it. I tried to force him back outside, only to run into the grim figure of a dead neighbor. I had seen too much and the guys with the guns knew it. I knelt and I looked for the longest time into a brushed steel barrel (sort of flat-ish) and then it was over.

Next thing I know I'm looking at a mirror in a bathroom (not the mirror in my bathroom, but then again, dreams are fickle when it comes to spaces and appearances). What's wrong with all of this is: I'm alive but I have a gunshot wound in my forehead and there's blood streaming down my face and across my chest. Dry, caked blood. I'm supposed to be dead, but all I have to prove for it is a zit-sized hole ... a zit-size smoking, gaping hole. Not supposed to be there, was it?

Then again, when some people started visiting my home, I realized most of them were seeing something completely different to what I saw in the mirror. Something completely different from what I look like (I'm under the impression, perhaps out of a glimpse I got during the dream, that I was a girl with long, light-brown, wavy hair). I had reincarnated almost immediately, I realized, out of concern for what would happen to Eze.

I woke up with a start. It was scary enough to see me dead in a mirror. Dead-but-alive. Holding on to dear life, even if it meant invading someone else's body, out of concern for Eze. Thing is, I think I'm not afraid to die so much as I am afraid of missing out on the lives of my loved ones.

The 1-Day Week

Well, it's almost Day Zero (in which my closest friends and I lift off to the Pacific zone), and I just had a pretty interesting weekend.

Eze and Pepe twisted the planned schedule for Saturday upside down, and we ended up handing in a pre-recorded program of Frecuencias Alternas in exchange for the freedom to spend the rest of the evening at Rebeca's and Tatiana's birthday. It was one of those huge, folkloric affairs, with two birthday cakes (more than enough to pass around twice and then serve in doggy bags for family and friends), confetti strewn all over the floor and a random mix of merengue, reggaetón and (gulp!) Gunther. We (Eze, Pepe, Maricarmen and I) spent most of the time sitting on a huge metal box perilously perched on the parking curb (and identified by graffiti as the "Skate Box"). We talked a lot, planned some more details of our upcoming trip, and had the kind of easy-going fun you only get to have with tried-and-true friends. We're the Clerks (see: Kevin Smith) generation, and we love it!

Sunday kicked off with rain and thunder, but we carried on with our plan anyway: to spend the afternoon with my Mom and brother. We picked them up and went to lunch at El Hipopótamo (a small, old Spanish-style restaurant, or tasca, as we like to call it 'cuz then we feel a bit more cosmopolitan when we go there). After a nice, thorough lunch (serrano ham was to be had, as well as milhojas, and that makes me very happy), we went to JC Penney in Plaza Carolina (so as to avoid Plaza las Américas, which gets hellishly crowded on weekends). I had spotted a few covetable items in the JC Penney shopper, and for the first time in a long while, I acted on the whim. Most of said covetable items were not so pretty up close, or were not available, but I got away from it all with a new pair of (gasp!) Mary Janes. How odd of me ¬_¬ ...


Later on we had dinner with Pepe at Dennys, and after another brief visit to Mom's (to help move a futon outside, where it will probably be carried off by someone desperate and very strong), we capped off the evening by watching Bridge to Terabithia. It was much better than I thought it would be and affected me more than I predicted. It's fully recommendable, but be prepared for the unexpected.

Oh! Eze also bought Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows for me, and I just started reading it. NO FUCKING SPOILERS, you read me!?

So, it's nearly 5PM, a bit over an hour to go before quitting time, and tomorrow we depart at 4:52PM. In 24 hours I'll most likely be strapped to a plane seat, looking out of the nearest window and bracing myself for the emotional orgasm liftoff always brings. I'll keep posting as much as our daily activities let me, and I'll definitely take as many pictures as I can.

I'm giddy! I can hardly wait!

What's Happening in my Kitchen

Yesterday it was iced cupcakes & brownies. Had a lot of fun cooking it up with Tattiana and Chichi. Made a mess out of the whole house, mainly because we also received a visit from Pepe and his girl, but more importantly because the kitchen is so small, its activities bleed into the rest of the house.

The cupcakes ended up looking like a green, white, aqua and purple mess of icing, but I was told they were delish. The brownies ... well ... they came out REALLY fudgy. :-D I'm hoping to try that again... with a more solid (i.e. darker) chocolate.

Today's menu:
potatoes au gratin
churrasco (complete with chimichurri
fried amarillitos

Tomorrow?
More fried amarillitos, 'cuz GAWD! mom gave me one too many plantains :-\

Coming Full Circle is a Coin with Two Sides

June 2nd, 2003
The bad news: My home burned down. I was left pretty much homeless, peniless, with only the clothes on my back and a brand new car to pay for. My four dogs died in that fire, probably burned, most likely asphyxiated by the smoke. I was left desolate, depressed, feeling lonely, and mourning my dogs like a crazy woman.
But the good news was I was alive, I had survived, and my family was there to support me, if not financially, at least emotionally (which is the priceless side of things). I literally rose from the ashes, and come 4 years, I had arrived full circle.

June 2, 2007
The good news: Eze and I have just acquired our first owned home. This has been the definitive step in our relationship, making our commitment concrete as a house. This is one step in life my parents haven´t taken yet, one step toward security, our roots finally taking hold somewhere. Curiously enough, the day chosen to sign the contract is the 4th anniversary of my total loss. I arrived full circle. But full circle is a coin with two sides.
When I arrived home to pick my car up and go to my family to celebrate my brother´s birthday, the bad news were awaiting lying on the pedals of my car. Pucho had stealthily sneaked into my car last night as I arrived home. I didn´t notice. No one missed him. No one found out until I opened that car door at 4PM. The unvented heat in that car at midday must have been unsustainable. He died a heat death, he died an asphyxiated death. Just like my dogs 4 years ago. In the same car that had been the sole survivor property of that fire.

I don´t know how to pay homage to Pucho. I am well aware of the differences inside our household that stemmed from the habits around caring for him. I am well aware that after a while, at least for me, Pucho had become a nuisance more than a pet. But I never wished ill on him, much less death. And as irritated as I allowed myself to become by him at times, I could not speak ill of an animal that was just that: an animal, with needs and perks like any other.

And more than an animal, Pucho was a very affective pet. He had enough love to show around the whole neighborhood, and that is something that cannot be erased or obliterated by simple circumstantial situations. Pucho was not only cute because he was a beautiful kitty. He was cute because he was a devoted kitty. He will be remembered and mourned, much more so by his rightful owners than by me, but it doesn´t mean I don´t feel sorrowful too by his death. My deep condolences to his two equally devoted owners (you know who you are). I share the sting of the broken heart his departure leaves.

Coming full circle can be sweet, but it can be sour as well.

Mid-weekend Burp

I'm not feeling very hot right now (the allergies attack whenever they see I haven't been as dilligent as usual in taking my daily Ioratadine), I've had a pretty long day and another such one awaits me tomorrow.

Today was productive. I -
1) Bought the yearly marbete for my car (yeah, May's the painful month) @ approximately 9:30AM

2) Had breakfast @ the nearest McDonald's @ 10AM

3) Picked my sister up. That took the longest. Getting the kid to dress up to go out is like pushing an elephant up a staircase (which should be as difficult as pushing a cow down the same staircase, I guess)

4) Loaded my car's trunk with plastic bags full of old clothes and plush toys to be given away to the Salvation Army.

5) Drove to the Salvation Army I thought to be open, only to find it was closed. We took advantage of a discarded leather couch that was sitting in front to leave the two humongous plush animals that were dusting up (more!) my car inside. It was a bit sad, seeing the Sad Sam and big teddy bear sitting there, waiting for some lucky chance to be picked up, perhaps be taken to be loved anew all over again.

6) Went back to my house to pick up Luna's medical record, then went back to my Mom's to pick Luna up.

7) Took Luna to the Humane Society clinic for her yearly rabies shot and reinforcements. While I was there, I made the same mistake I always do: I went to the back room, where the animals that are up for adoption live. And I fell in love, like I always do, with every single one of them (of course with ones a bit more than with others). It's always a bit heartbreaking (since I can't have a dog of my own just yet), and always a bit encouraging (the world isn't running out of adorable dogs just yet).

8) Returned Luna to Mom's and headed back out to Caguas (not before watching an episode of Shear Genius, which was pretty entertaining, in the way of "reality TV talent shows").

9) Went to a place I know to wash my car (inside and out, it was in dire need!!! Plopped down $24 for the full treatment. Not sorry at all. At last I can see the color of my dashboard.

10) Met up with a friend of my sister's to help her out with the purchase of a set of makeup brushes. Turns out there was a really good set on sale @ Costco (and her cosmetology teacher recommended they get that one before next class). I have a Costco membership, so I gladly put in the name so she could get the benefit of the price. Got treated to Costco pizza afterwards (not bad at all!) and what was apparently an undercooked churro.

11) ... and then everyone headed off each way: my sister with her friend, me back to home, alone.

... feeling a bit lonely, a bit sad, a bit nervous. Hoping for a better week. Hoping for some much-needed changes soon.

Little Notes #2: Rabbit Schmabbit + Finally they have a living room!

iGasm -
As soon as I sat down at my desk this morning and turned on my computer, Eze sent in this little article on the best gadget ever invented. Here's part of the pitch:

Load up your iPod with killa choons and take your appreciation of music to a whole new level. This genius little device hooks up to your iPod, MP3 player, laptop or CD player and vibrates in sync with the beat. Go at it hard and fast with a pounding drum and bass track or chill with the ambient classic.

I mean, HELL isn't that a nice thing to have? It's the perfect merge between two of my biggest passions: sex and music. If only I had the $50 to spare! :-\



For Rent - 3 Bedroom/1 Bathroom Apartment - Finally, after 4 years of struggle, my Dad has found a decent place to live. Four years ago, he took the decision to move out to the continental US, thinking that his business would fare better with the gringos. First he shacked in with his sister-in-law and her small family in San Antonio, TX (it was an uncomfortable affair for both ends, or so I'm told), then he moved out to Fort Myers, Flawriduh, and that's when his wife decided to join him. To the chagrin of the whole brood of children, they had to be content with squeezing their sore asses into a small, cramped studio that paid what they were paying here for a 3-bedroom, 2-bathroom house. Now, after 2 or so years battling loneliness, dry heat, freak electricity storms and general unemployment, they moved to Orlando. And even though things started faring out the same or worse than before, he has finally been approved for the rent of a comfortable apartment in which the place you shit, eat and sleep is not the same. :-D

Yay for Daddy!!!


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Bonus: the very cool, very silly Rick just sent me this:


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Thank youuuu! ^_^ LOL!